I it up for me did it all out

remember sitting on the bus watching the multicolored leaves fall into the
river below me. Everything seemed so peaceful and beautiful. Everything except
me. I felt like something worthless. But I put a smile on my face, so everybody
could see that I was perfect. The “me” that wasn’t so perfect after all. It was
many years later that I knew my life was worth living for because the one who
gave it up for me did it all out of love, and simply love itself.

            I grew up poor and with a rough
childhood. Dad fighting with mom, screaming, shouting, hitting. With all this
happening at such a young age I didn’t experience love. But I would clean up
all my tears and put everything aside like it never happened. Everybody thought
I had a perfect life and I even believed it myself. I would think if I just
kept this role going that everybody would just love who I was. But I didn’t
even know what love was. I would think to myself, “If God really loves me why
is He letting me suffer? Why me out of all people?” but I would never find an
answer. Somedays we wouldn’t even have food to eat. Or days in which I would
see my drunk father screaming at my mother and I would just stand there frozen
watching her cry. I would lock myself in my room and cover my ears until I
heard nothing except myself thinking. But what was there to think? As my tears
stained the sheets all I could think of was that my life was worthless, and
this was the end, but I didn’t realize it was only the beginning.

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            The answer I was looking for came to
me when I was about 8 years old. That was the time in which my mother took me
and my older sister to church. And if you’re thinking “Oh, this is just a story
of a girl follows God” then you’re wrong because its more than just that. You
can follow God but not believe in Him and is love isn’t going to flow in you if
you just follow. You must see the whole picture. God died for me and everyone
else for our sins because he truly loved us for us. Even though we might lie or
forget about Him, He will always be there for us when we need it.  I told my myself these exact words when I
would get myself thinking I was worth nothing. I remember hugging my mom that
day and just standing there smiling. She seemed very silent but part of me knew
she was proud. Proud to finally show me I was loved after all.

            Within that span of about a year, my
outlook on life changed completely. Now I know that my life is not worthless
but indeed the opposite. Now instead of an enraged heart I feel love. The love
God feels for everyone including me. What my family and I may have gone through
in the past doesn’t compare to our lives today. Now we are more complete,
united, and loving. I’ve learned that “love is like the wind, you can’t see it,
but you can feel it”. That’s the love He has for everyone. The love I felt in
my heart when I was a small girl. The love I didn’t see but felt in times I needed
it the most. The love I will share with everyone who needs it. Just the way He
did with me.